A wise man once told me to dare to be average. Honestly, I was shocked. Never, in my whole life, had I been told that it was okay to be average. My parents wanted (and still do want) the best for me and I felt that as an only child, it was my responsibility to deliver that. I know my own mind. I am a strong person. I am not easily swayed. I am stubborn and straightforward. I am also a people pleaser.
Nothing terrifies me more than the thought of doing something wrong. The thought of striving for adequacy is foreign. But the wise man was right. Adequacy is all we can expect of ourselves. Anything more is a bonus. When we put our ideal selves on a pedestal, we are striving for something that does not exist, and then depression appears when we understandably don’t reach the unattainable.
I have finally realised that the reason I disappoint myself as often as I do is not because of my actions, but because of my choices. It seems a small distinction, but it’s an important one. I disappoint myself not because of what I do, but because of the importance I put into what I think. I do not ever celebrate having made a good choice, just the outcome. I ate well? Great, now I’ll be thinner. I stayed late at my job? Now I won’t get into trouble. Often, however, this means that if I make a wrong step, I berate myself. It’s not ‘You should think about fuelling your body rather than giving in to cravings,’ it’s ‘Now you’re going to put on even more weight.’
I am in a job where communication is everything. I am kind to the people around me, but not myself. Why? I have decided that the only way to combat this is to write down my experience, and, on a more personal note, acknowledge the things I do well. I am going to work on making a list of the good and bad choices I have made throughout the day.
I may as well get started.
Good choices
– Didn’t choose a fast food meal, but a microwave meal instead
– Went to work
– Offered advice to a colleague
– Met with a friend after work
– Stayed calm in traffic
– Controlled my temper
– Had intrusive thoughts but told them “not today”
Bad choices
– Said some things I shouldn’t have
– Made a lazy decision to avoid work
– Chose a microwave meal over fresh food
Turns out I’m not all bad. How about you?
Life Is Pain 